2024-08-22 02:05:02
Doug Emhoff speaks at the 2024 Democratic National ConventionMother Jones illustration; Robert Gauthier/Los Angeles Times/Getty; Andrew Caballero-Reynolds/AFP/Getty
Like his wife, Vice President Kamala Harris, Doug Emhoff embodies a lot of firsts. The first second gentleman. The first Jew to be the spouse of a vice president. Both roles that could soon get an upgrade.
But what jumped out to me about Emhoff’s speech on the second night of the DNC was something he shares in common with far more Americans: He’s part of a blended family. And never before has that status—one shared by 40 percent of married couples who have kids in the household, and many others as well—been celebrated (or even passingly mentioned) on the stage of a national political convention.
When Doug walked to the podium, he began by pointing up into the stands saying, “Hello to my big, beautiful, blended family up there. I love you so much.”
Kamala, of course, was 80 miles away at a 15,000-person rally in Milwaukee. But Doug’s daughter, Ella, and his ex-wife, Kerstin, beamed down; his son, Cole, had just introduced Doug with a moving introduction and video.
In it, Cole set the theme: “My parents split when I was in middle school and that wasn’t easy, that’s not easy on any kid. But it helped that my parents stayed friends, and that we all kept hanging together. We grew closer than ever. And then he met Kamala. The blind date that would dramatically change all of our lives, forever. It was my senior year of high school. Ella and I would laugh, watching them fall in love, acting like teenagers. In 2014, Kamala became Momala. She took over Sunday night dinners and taught Doug how to actually cook. Our blended family wasn’t used to politics or the spotlight but when Kamala became senator, we were all excited to step up, especially my dad…We might not look like other families in the White House, but we are ready to represent all families in America.”
In a speech littered with Gen X references and centering around a charming story of his first blind date with Kamala, Doug continued to tell the story of their family: “Those of you who belong to blended families know that they can be…a little complicated. But as soon as our kids started calling her Momala, I know we’d be okay. Ella calls us a three-headed parenting machine. Kamala and Kerstin, thank you both. Thank you both. For always putting your family first.”
He later talked about having a rare moment at home with Kamala in the last few weeks. He found her in her “favorite chair” engrossed in a phone call. Was it a national emergency? A campaign crisis? No, Doug said. Ella had called her, and she’d dropped everything to focus. “Those kids are her priorities and that scene is a map of her heart. She’s always been there for our children, and I know she’ll be there for yours too.”
Doug and Kerstin’s marriage ended in part because he had an affair with a teacher at the kids’ school. But they made it through that well enough not only to co-parent but to eventually operate as a unit with Kamala, as that “three-headed parenting machine.” The three of them even do Soul Cycle together. (Kerstin, a film producer and CEO—she helped make Cole’s video—says Doug learned how to be more attentive and proactive in his second marriage. “Of course he’s a better husband, and that’s great,” she told Time in 2021. “That’s how it should be.”)
Kamala Harris is the first stepparent to be vice president. We’ve had two divorced presidents: Ronald Reagan was the first. For whatever reason, the children of Reagan’s first marriage, to Jane Wyman, who survived past infancy, Maureen and Michael, were mostly in the background; the children of Reagan and his second wife, Nancy, Patti and Ron, had complicated and often contentious relationships with their parents.
Donald Trump has been married three times and had children with all three wives. He rarely acknowledges the child from his second marriage, Tiffany, much less her mom, Marla Maples. He famously cheated on his first wife, Ivana, with Maples, and on his third wife, Melania, with a Playboy playmate and an adult film star. (I think it’s safe to assume these were not the only infidelities.) His accounts of his other kids ranges from cursory (Barron is “really tall”) to creepy (Trump frequently discusses Ivanka’s boobs and butt.) He and Melania appear to loathe each other, as videos of her swatting him away and rolling her eyes in disdain demonstrate.
Meanwhile, Trump’s VP pick, JD Vance, has attacked Kamala, and anyone else who isn’t married with biological kids, as “childless cat ladies,” and agreed with pundits who say the role of “post-menopausal women” is to take care of grandkids. “These are baseless attacks,” Kerstin Emhoff shot back via CNN. “For over 10 years, since Cole and Ella were teenagers, Kamala has been a co-parent with Doug and I. She is loving, nurturing, fiercely protective, and always present. I love our blended family and am grateful to have her in it.” (Ella posted on Instagram: “I love my three parents.”)
Any kind of family takes work. And demands grace. Blended families can be extra work, and sometimes demand extra grace. Whatever the reasons your relationship ended, it ain’t easy to set them aside to co-parent your kids. It ain’t easy to welcome your ex’s new partner into your life, and it ain’t easy to figure out the role of a stepparent. Children navigate (and sometimes exploit) any rifts among the adults. Surely Kamala, Doug, Kerstin, Cole, and Ella have had their differences and fights. What family doesn’t?
But unlike the famously lazy Trump, they’ve put in the work. And unlike the unbearably sanctimonious Vance, they show each other grace.
And by putting that effort and that respectfulness on display, they help the 114 million Americans who have a step-relationship feel seen.
