2024-08-03 10:10:01
SummerSlam is mere days away so I’m spittin’ out a nitty gritty ditty all about the “Biggest Party of the Summer” or whatever the tagline was back when the posters used to be Santino on a roller coaster, eyes crossed, looking like he was gonna barf.
In two years this event’s going to be two nights, in Minneapolis, so this is a gently special occasion. We don’t know if next year’s ‘Slam will one or two nights. The 2025 Indianapolis deal is weird since it’s, like, they get Royal Rumble 2025 and then “a two-night SummerSlam and two-night WrestleMania in future years.” So it’s not all three happening in one year. Which leaves ‘Slam ‘25 still open.
My point is that, wherever next year’s Slam is, this just might be the final one-night SummerSlam ever, so we should raise our glasses accordingly. A triumphant toast to a lean seven-match card that will be over at a reasonable time for most since it’s EST. And hometown homeslice Miz is hosting so he’ll keep that s*** tight.
It’ll be as easy as a Cleveland…I dunno. I don’t know Cleveland sayings. F*** you? No, that’s every city’s motto. Does Cleveland have a type of food? Like, some weird omelet? A sandwich? A sauce? Is the pizza just tomato soup ice cubes? Anyway, I love cities. I grew up in a major city. My favorite part is when something happens the people are like “Only in [this city].” And it’s just someone being odd or angry.
Okay, so you know how this goes: Some dumb thoughts on each match and then my winner pick followed by the almighty Opposite Momentum pick (which isn’t always calculable if there’s no clear go-home TV violence)…
Given Bron’s big push I can’t readily see Sami Zayn beating him twice. Heck, Zayn’s first victory, at MITB, even surprised me. So I’m going with Bron. And with Sami getting a win over Dominik on RAW, OM is going with Bron too.
Winner: Bron Breakker
OM Pick: Bron Breakker
Believe it or not, there are even more reasons to boo Logan Paul these days, outside of his natural heel-bilities. And at this point, there’s no one propped up enough to beat this part-timer aside from LA Knight, who still has not seen true dividends since his meteoric rise a year ago. So if Knight can’t do the job then…who? Jay Uso? If he somehow has an interbrand feud with Paul?
Once, there may have been value to keeping the strap on Paul, just for his villainous virtues, but he’s slowly proving to be more PR trouble than he’s worth. Going with Knight here.
Yeah.
Based on SmackDown though, where Paul’s Primemoble got stolen by Knight, he’s keeping the gold.
Winner: LA Knight
OM Pick: Logan Paul
This is a tricky one because Damian Priest’s fate is sort of also tied to Rhea Ripley’s, from a “leaders of The Judgement Day” standpoint. These two came out of ‘Mania 40 with the gold and had only one week together as top dawgs. Will WWE want to reclaim that, and mend the oft-fractured Judgement Day?
There are a dozen ways to go here. Firstly, there could be a DQ and these two could get a rematch. Secondly, Judgement Day could turn on Priest and align with Gunther. Or Liv Morgan. Or both. Priest’s story is that he hasn’t had a clean title defense, despite his wanting to prove he can go it alone. Will this be that clean win? Or will he have to ditch Judgement Day to do this?
The fascistic-coded European criticizing the Puerto Rican “street kid” angle juuuuust barely veers away from being totally icky and it’s helped build up this match in a short period of time. But while Gunther is definitely a future World Champm I think Priest takes this one. Somehow. If he loses, it will probably be because his goons turn on him.
The OM Gods were keeping an eye on Priest beating Gunther’s ass as Raw went off the air, however.
Winner: Damian Priest
OM Pick: Gunther
Will this mark the end of the Liv Morgan Revenge Tour? Or does Liv have one more trick up her sleeve? Is her bitter “breakup” with Dominik all a ruse or is he truly back with Mami (a victory for line cooks everywhere).
I’d like to think Dom’s playing Rhea for a fool and that there’s more value now in Rhea chasing Liv a bit longer. Once, it seemed like Liv may have won over Finn and JD, given their tag team title win, but that ploy hasn’t really been explored any further. Still, I think Dom’s being extra dirty these days and since Liv was a crying, spiteful mess on Raw, the OM overlords are giving this one to her too.
Winner: Liv Morgan
OM Pick: Liv Morgan
The new Bloodline has a ton of talent but Solo, as a usurper, doesn’t have the magnetism of a Roman Reigns. Part of that’s the whole point, but it just seems super-duper doubtful that he’s ending Cody’s run. Solo’s a good, solid adversary for Cody, as the Bloodline still continues on as a beatdown squad, but his main eventer story ends when Roman returns – which may, in fact, be at SummerSlam (especially now that the match is Bloodline Rules). The Bloodline’s big MITB win may have set up this bout, but it didn’t set up a Solo Sikoa victory.
Winner: Cody Rhodes
OM Pick: n/a just an in-ring promo segment, but the Bloodline winning the tag titles gives the OM Pick to Cody
Sadly, this title match feels lost in the shuffle, though the added Tiffany/MITB contract aspect makes it a bit more intriguing. I feel like I need to watch this week’s SmackDown to get a better handle on this one but overall it just feels like a hard-fought Bayley win, with some Tiffany shenanigans. I’ve already picked my title changes so Bayley’s safe…for now
Winner: Bayley
OM Pick: n/a just a video package, though Nia did give Tiffany a pink MITB case…
Everyone hates everyone in this match and I’d really love to give this one to Drew McIntyre, given how much great work he’s done for the last eight months, practically carrying this feud while Punk’s been on the shelf, but…I just can’t see Punk losing his first one-on-one match in WWE in a decade.
But man, I reaalllly want to give it to Drew. I don’t think I’ve rooted this much for a HEEL to get payback in forever.
Of course, if Drew loses, Seth’s there to take the blame. And the same goes for Punk. Seth’s the buffer here, to protect whoever takes the “L” but regardless of the outcome, let’s give it up for this match in general. This feud. This build. There are four title matches at SummerSlam but this is the “main event.” I hope it goes on last. I think when grudge matches are this big and fun they can close out a show.
One finish could have been the Wyatt Sicks coming in and demolishing everyone, setting up an uneasy alliance between Drew, Punk, and Seth that takes us to Survivor Series but they’re not fighting Gable and the Creed Brothers at SummerSlam. They’ve got ‘em on Raw which means they need to remain babyfaces until then. Right?
Winner: CM Punk
OM Pick: n/a it’s was just a three-way promo (but will Seth remember that he promised never to let Punk get his revenge?)
I put some polls up throughout this whole piece, so vote with your hearts, heads, and whatever other biological region you feel is valid. And sound off below if you’ve got big grownup emotions about the card and whatnot.
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