2024-07-09 22:55:02
Let’s just get this out of the way right now. I’m calling it. Someone get Vegas on the line. My prediction for the DRAMATIC ENDING where Jenn does something NO BACHELORETTE HAS EVER DONE BEFORE is …
She proposes.
I have no prior knowledge of the season. I have not seen spoilers. Check the metadata on this Word document. But I bet on my Emmys that Jenn will be the first Bachelorette in American history to propose to her final guy. Did someone examine if her final gown has a slit, better enabling her to get down on one knee? C’mon: “No Bachelorette has ever done this before,” “Never thought I would do,” “Done letting men dictate relationships.” By the end of the season, Jenn will be getting down on a knee and proposing to … I don’t think Sam M. (a.k.a. Good & Gather Tyler Cameron) but someone tall. We’ll just have to wait and see.
If Jenn does end up proposing to her F1, it’ll put an end to the leads having to stop the runner-up mid-kneel, and I’ll finally stop complaining and begging for the leads to have the same control of the process. It’s a win-win: a win for feminism and a win for the dignity of some guy named Chaseley or something.
But we’re not even remotely there yet. No, no, dear readers! It’s night one and we’re breaking barriers! The first Asian American Bachelorette!!! Jenn brought two random Asian girlies to tears in Boston Commons (which based on my college experience just outside Boston seems right for the environs). She’s gonna make us proud! We’ve also got one other load-bearing Vietnamese contestant and if anything bad happens to him, I will not be okay. It’ll be interesting to see how the show navigates Jenn’s identity and what role it will ultimately play in the season, because she doesn’t really have another narrative to carry over from Joey’s season. Joey’s golden-retriever tendencies made it so basically every ladytestant walked away from his season feeling like they’d gotten the opportunity to express their feelings and been validated by him. Emotionally satisfying but difficult material to try to drag into another season. But Jenn has settled on “past toxic relationships sun, emotionally withholding parents moon, cool girl rising” to carry her through the season. She’s got a dress that vaguely reminded me of Rachel Lindsay’s night-one gown and she’s ready to flirt her little booty off.
Let’s get to it!
WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE??? WHAT IS THIS HOUSE??!??!!!!!! I return to The Bachelor Cinematic Universe for familiarity, not to show up at some NEW HUMMINGBIRD NEST RESORT RANCH BAR & GRILL. No thank you. Did the VRBO contract expire with the original mansion? I would like to return.
No time! The Jenntlemen are arriving.
I do not like that they gave themselves a cute little name. Listen, I know no one really likes “contesticles” but me (and my friend Emma who helped me come up with it way back in the day), but the second these men start gaining self-awareness, this whole thing falls apart. And by “this thing,” I very much mean “society.” It’s like Rise of the Planet of the Apes, our defenses are weakened by a pandemic and the Jenntlemen will overrun the cities.
First out of the limo is Marcus, the retired Army ranger. He did six deployments and was ultimately injured by a grenade. It’s been five years since he’s dated and to prepare for his time at the Hummingbird B&B, he packed a rolled-up American flag. I would like to know where he was in early January 2021. No reason.
Up next is Marvin, who speaks the flattest accented French I’ve ever heard, and I took middle-school French outside Chicago, Illinois. Je voudrais un haht dahg. Up next is Sam N., which I keep hearing as “Salmon.” Salmon tells Jenn that he’s a virgin … a LOVE virgin. He’s never been in love. He was born in Iran and his family is traditional and if you bring someone home, you’re pretty much marrying them. His plan is one girlfriend/one wife. Salmon, you are 25. You’re doing fine.
Grant sings that he’s trying to change Jenn’s name to Mrs. Ellis. He played basketball overseas, which means he’s okay at basketball. Then we meet Great Value Tyler Cameron: Sam M. His introduction is to ask Jenn to imagine eating breakfast 50 years from now, and then he just says “shot o’clock.” I was mentally preparing for the montage of people who actually brought Jenn shots. Jenn says she’s always wanted a cowboy. He just has a Southern accent, but start crafting that Fantasy Suite experience now, girlfriend.
Thomas N. brings her a bracelet and says he’s hoping for a Nguyen-Nguyen situation. His parents immigrated from Vietnam so he has that in common with Jenn. He was an Olympic hopeful but tore his rotator cuff. Finally, failed athletes. This is what a great season of The Bachelorette is based on. There’s still time to airlift in an XFL kicker. Brendan eats a pepper and honestly, the less we talk about it the better. Then there’s a montage of gimmick entrances: ski boots! Sabering open a bottle of Champagne (by someone very hot)! Redheaded locs! And then we get the entrance of all entrances: PUPPIES! Jenn melts like a cartoon character and cannot focus on Tomas A. Whatever he says, she’s not fucking listening, bro.
Up next is Jonathon, who rolls up on a stretcher and has covered his whole face in bandages and his ass fully out. ABC, show us the ass. He’s decided to leave his head completely bandaged until physician assistant Jenn will unwrap him at the right moment. After that is the fun vehicles portion of the program. Aaron, Noah Erb’s twin brother, arrives in a motorcycle and sidecar. Jeremy arrives in a Corvette. Jeremy looks and acts like a guy Samantha Jones would fuck in season two of Sex and the City.
There’s Dylan with his curl sponge in his intro package, there’s John, and BRETT!!!!!!!! WE DID IT!! A BIG GUY ON THE BACHELORETTE!! Progress is possible!
There’s Devin, who gets an intro package about being loud and talking a lot (okay, okay, he was raised by a single mom). And just as Jenn said “He’s got a real Pete — “I was typing “He’s like Thicc Pete Davidson.” Great minds.
Hakeem brought so many balloons. Just too many balloons. Like an overwhelming, unsettling amount of balloons.
Jenn comes into the house and gives a surprisingly revealing toast for night one. She says she’s had toxic relationships and she’s figured out she wants a ferocious love. She doesn’t expect them to be perfect and neither is she. They’re going to have fun (she will be proposing by the end of the season). Sammm is the first to pull her aside and he thinks “reckless” is a synonym for “ferocious.”
Also, let me say this now: Jenn has the type of personality that unfunny men are talking about when they say they want a “funny girlfriend.” She’s always poking nonspecific, well-meaning fun. The Jenntlemen keep describing her as “charming, vivacious, bubbly.” She’s just down for a good time. I’m more interested in Jenn breaking some generational curses and fighting back against toxic men, rather than this funny-girl narrative. Jenn is also very horny and I’m also interested in that.
Jenn sits down with Spencer, who I’m gonna guess makes AI pet portraits, and Thomas N., who shows off his tattoos, and they talk about their parents immigrating. Both of their mothers left the medical field to give them a better life. He might be tied with Brett for Sweetie of the Century.
Okay, okay, okay, what happens next is so baffling and confusing. They all play a game of Truth or Dare???????? Since fucking when are we doing shit like this!!!! I did not sign up for games you’d play at your co-worker’s co-ed bachelor/bachelorette weekend. The only good thing to come out of this is Brett busting out the splits.
When the game settles down, Salmon says he doesn’t want to kiss with lips. He wants to kiss with souls. I’m going to work that into my wedding vows. I also can’t wait for a big secret from Salmon to be revealed, because you know he’s up to something. Jonathon is tired of his headwrap so he lets Jenn take it off and surprise! He’s very, very hot!
Jeremy takes Jenn out to his Corvette and he doesn’t have the keys so they just sit in the car and chat. She asks how he ended up in New York and he says “I’m from Connecticut so it was just a natural thing to do.” Wait, maybe he’s actually a Charlotte season-one boyfriend who ends up being a cautionary tale that she doesn’t learn ’til season five. Brian comes out looking SWEATY AS HELL and hitting the lock-unlock button on the keys Jesse Palmer gave him. They have the absolute mildest standoff in First Night history. I’m not excited by either of them.
Jenn sits down with Devin and three sentences in they’re talking about biting toes. Devin’s a li’l freak and I’d like him to follow that instinct.
After a few other sit-downs, Jenn grabs the rose and scampers off into the night. She picks … Sammm. Oh, girl. Noooo. The first-impression rose is either a very strong predictor of who the Bachelorette will eventually end up with orrrr … it’s just who she wants to make out with the most. This is the latter. They talk about how much chemistry they have and she says “I’ve been thinking about you” about five times. She’s coyly trying to bite her lip and her fingers to draw attention to her mouth Cher Horowitz style. She finally grabs his head and … they MAKE OUT. They’re basically horizontal within ten seconds. And they make out for a long time. They keep cutting to the other men and back to Jenn and Sammm making out. “Boy, I wish I got the First Impression rose.” Still making out. “The competition is heating up.” Still making out. “It’s time for the rose ceremony.” Still. Making. Out.
Jenn says the kiss was feral. Yeah, girl. We saw.
Time for the rose ceremony. Dylan, Thomas N., Spencer, Grant, Marcus, Thomas A., John M., Jeremy, Devin, Brian, Aaron, Jahaan, Hakeem, Jonathan, Austin, Marvin, and Salmon all get roses.
Seeing the guy with the red locs was a real jump-scare. Every now and then you just completely forget a contestant exists until they get sent home. But I didn’t forget about Brett! No! I better see him in Paradise! The people are crying out for Brett!
The show is heading to new and exciting places because they’re all going to Melbourne, Australia! The Hummingbird Ranch was only available for one night! Jenn says, “I feel it, I’m gonna fall in love, my person Is here, I am gonna get engaged, I am gonna do it my way.” She. Will. Be. Proposing.
Cheers to Jenn!
